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toujour, blank

January 2009

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Jan. 4th, 2009

toujour, blank

my walls...please don't break

Tomorrow's going to be the day that I would finally see my friends after such a long time (well not really, 2 weeks XD) and of course, along with him. To be honest, I'm slightly afraid of seeing him. I'm afraid to see because if I do see him...the walls that I have built around me might break and collapse. I know I have to be strong...but it's just so hard to be strong when the person you relied on the most hurt you. I know that a lot of times I end up eating my words and even up to some point...regretting it. I'm only human. Humans tend to do that.

I really don't want to see him tomorrow but what can I do? We're classmates in our first subject tomorrow...good thing he sits at the back. I just have to force myself not to look back so that I won't get hurt. I even avoid looking at his or our pictures....just the thought of him stings. But I don't want to completely avoid him and not become friends. I promised to him that I would be ok (on the outside) and that we would still be friends.

I just wished that...I could evade him for now...my heart is still in pieces just seeing him in person is enough to turn those pieces into ashes. You know...I wrote a lot of things about my feelings for him in my notebook. But he doesn't know that. He doesn't even know how much he means to me and how much my life has changed on just meeting him and falling for him.

These words of mine will never reach his ears...

Akala mo hindi ko kaya
Ang iwanan at limutin ka
Akala mo, akala ko
Akala nating dalawa
Tayong dalawa.
Eto ka n naman
Walang alam, walang pakialam
Di mo ba nakikita
Sa 'king mga mata
Hindi ako nasasaktan
Hindi kita kinakailangan
Hindi ako nagdaramdam
IMPOSIBLE!
Pag- ibig mo'y limot ko na
Hindi kita inaalala
Hindi na 'ko aasa pa
IMPOSIBLE!

Ang labo mo naman kausap
Di mo pa ba nakukuha
Hoy, naririnig mo ba ako
Pakiusap, pakiusap naman
Wag ka nang magtanong
Pakinggan mo na lang itong binubulong
Ng puso ko sa puso mo
At hindi itong sinasabi ko woahhh...
Hindi ako nasasaktan
Hindi kita kinakailangan
Hindi ako nagdaramdam
IMPOSIBLE!
Pag- ibig mo'y limot ko na
Hindi kita inaalala
Hindi na 'ko aasa pa
IMPOSIBLE!

Mangyari 'yan
Hinding hindi, hindi mo ba alam
Tanging ikaw lang sa puso ko
Sa isip at gunita ko

Hindi ako nasasaktan
Hindi kita kinakailangan
Hindi ako nagdaramdam
IMPOSIBLE!
Pag- ibig mo'y limot ko na
Hindi kita inaalala
Hindi na 'ko aasa pa
IMPOSIBLE!
Sa bawat araw at gabi
Hinding hindi kita naiisip
Kahit man lang isang saglit
IMPOSIBLE!
Pilitin mang limutin ka
Ngunit Hinding hindi magawa
Paano nga ba magawa
Ang IMPOSIBLE...

IMPOSIBLE...

IMPOSIBLE...

IMPOSIBLE...

 
This song hits me right where it hurts.
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toujour, blank

ramblings

It's a new year, time for changes to start and a new me to develop. I know now who my real friends are and those who pretend or pretended to be one. Even if one of them said sorry to me it won't mean much of a thing because my trust in them was already broken.
No more miss nice girl, if they think that they can do or say those things to me again then tey have another thing coming. I'm going to be third year soon. I have to become more mature and level-headed, able to think things thoroughly just like any other "lady".
But if all else fails then there is always the hard way. I love my haters, they just make me more popular than I already am XD. And another thing, I should just probably stop falling in love with guys I mean, it doesn't do me any good other than headache and heartache.
And that is SO one of my bad habits, falling in love. I know fid it very annoying and very troublesome. After countless of heartaches, I am finally going to use my head. If I have to monopolize then so be it. Like I said before, no more miss nice girl.
She's long been shot in the head and left to die on the spot by the guy whom she cared for the most but was left hanging and hurt. Men, such troublesome creatures.

I'll have to be strong, wise (very hard to do) and cunning. I know I'm smart, I just wasn't able to use my head properly because of the love syndrome. Haha...such an epidemic it is. You know, because of the things that I have experienced in 2008, it has inspired me to work harder,play harder (way harder) and manage my life more and balance it more.
I mean, it's like an eye opener, only that it took so long for my eyes to finally see things clearly. Maybe it's because of my imagination and daydreamings that I tend to not see things more clearly. Like rose tinted glasses or something. I know find love very...disturbing? Revolting? hings that are similar to those words. But it's only romantic love you know.
I am in a different place far from the people and the hometown which I grew up to so I must adjust to the way things are played here.Just like my highschool friends, I am a player. Being a player means a lot of things not only being a player in love but a whole lot of things.
Haha...I am such a narcicist. Joke. I just realized a lot of things. Who knew a break-up in Christmas would do wonders for my mind? Such it was painful. I cried every now and then but since I was with my parents the whole vacation I couldn't cry in front of them.
That would mak matters worse than it already is. So I'll just have to overcome these problems and heartachs of mine and turn them into something...positive and maybe a bit explosive? Haha...just kidding.

I'm starting to find blogging a very interesting hobby. Haha...I wanna be cruel~ Just for the heck of it! Nyahahahaha...

I don't want to have a boyfriend now, maybe I'll play but it will be just that. No more feelings in love or I'll die trying. Haha...no more love. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of a lot of things. Thats why I feel so naucious today...must be because of something I ate XD.

Anyway, let's just see how things follow through. I hate to waste energy.

Jan. 3rd, 2009

toujour, blank

what I feel

I guess this is it....the end...I knew and felt from the very start of it all that everything that I had been working so hard for was all just for nothing. That it would indeed end up in failure. And it did. I know that fooling myself would not get me anywhere but I just could not help to hope. I had hoped that he would change his mind and that the feelings that I had wouldn't be so one sided anymore but it didn't. In fact, nothing ever did went well. I got my heart broken on the eve of Christmas day and the tiny pieces of what was left of my heart got broken again into dust on New Year's day...the whole day.

So many things have happened to me this past year, and I realize that everything, both good and bad, had happened for a purpose, for a reason. A reason in which I must accept and admit to. That the reality I am living in is a fake, that I should stop ignoring the truth and face facts. I have been living my own lie. And in the process I end up hurting myself more and more. I don't want this...to keep on hurting myself.

I have loved, that I can honestly say so but has my love ever been returned? Have I ever received anything mutual akin to the love that I am looking for? Nothing...

This is a new year for me, I may not know how to face it yet but I will try...I will try to learn from my past mistakes and turn them into something positive. I am the hopeless romantic. I want to stop being like that. I don't want to get hurt anymore.

I don't want to believe you anymore, no more. I don't even know where I stand in your heart. Probably nowhere. You never texted me on New Year's Eve or the whole January 1. It might seem little importance to you but it means a lot to me and from your actions it clearly shows just how much I mean to you. Nothing.

I don't want to become bitter to you. But...I don't know what else I could do to make this terrible pain I'm feeling go away. I am only human, I could only handle so little before I break. Your forever is a lie. Your 'love' is a lie. Your caresses, hugs, kisses, everything, is a lie. But I don't regret any of it. For you have made 2008 a memorable year for me. But just like you said, hangang dito nalang ang maibibigay ko sayo. My feelings for you will stop, or I will die trying to stop myself from loving you.

Recalling memories from the past is always bittersweet. I want to thank a lot of people for making my 2008 such a memorable year. From my first breakup, to my first taste of victory at our college, to my 18th birthday, to my past love for Jan whom I cared so much for yet I knew nothing would ever come out right. To my fights and enemies whom I was hurt by their words and betrayal. And to my love, for the one person throughout all of my teenage years, have I ever felt this way for one person. I had loved him so much that it is now causing me so much pain. There is nothing I can do to fix things and honestly, I am tired. So tired. I gave him my all, yet...I just ended up in tears.

This 2008, so many things have happened. So many people, so many places and so many emotions. I will keep these memories of mine forever in my heart. And I'll start a new life this 2009. If I have to, I will force myself to change. I don't want to get hurt anymore. No more. this is now my reality.